Why I Left the Church...is also why I'm going back

8/21/2015

"The Devil is a wily one, and, until an hour before he fell, even God thought him beautiful in Heaven." -Arthur Miller, the Crucible

This will undoubtedly be the hardest post I've ever written.
And I've written some pretty heart-ringing, soul-wrenching posts in the last few months.

I have a confession to make. Something that I have kept hidden for a while now. That I have danced my way around in conversations. That I am too terrified to tell even the people I have professed to care about profusely. That I can't bring myself to admit to those who I admire, or to those whose admiration I seek. That I'm not even so sure as I write this that I really want to write in the first place.

I have not been an active member of the church in over a year.

And I don't just mean one Sunday I slept in late and it kind of became a habit, though I wish it had been that simple. I mean that one day I made the conscious decision that I was not going to go back. One day I came home from church, kicked off my heals, plopped down in the chair in my office, and decided I was done. I was done with squirming through Gospel Doctrine classes. I was done with adding my painfully-earned insight to every Relief Society discussion. I was done dragging myself around after third-hour to collect sign-up sheets, done spending hours setting up and cleaning up enrichment activities, and done feeling burned-out and misguided. I was done ending my Sunday evening even more spiritually drained than when I'd started. I was done wondering what business I had even being there in the first place. I was done trying to make up for my mistakes.

I was done being a hypocrite.

"If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that people will forgive. But they'll rarely ever forget."

You see, I'd screwed up. And I mean bad. The kind of thing that lands you in the Bishop's office kind of bad. And though I knew that I wasn't the only girl who'd ever had to go confess the error of her ways, it was certainly the first time I'd ever had to do it. In fact, I distinctly remember only a few years before sitting through a brief family interview with the new Bishop and ensuring him, "Trust me, we're good. We're not one of those families you have to worry about. This isn't our first rodeo." No, we were auxiliary leaders and priesthood leaders and teachers and mentors and member missionaries and one of the strongest families in the ward. We didn't just attend, we were somehow responsible for nearly every activity and project from food storage lessons to Girl's Camp to the Fall Hayride to the Ward Christmas Party. And that wasn't all. Even within our own family we were doing everything we were "supposed to," from regular Family Home Evenings to scripture study to family prayer to feeding the missionaries weekly to pictures of Christ plastered on every wall. We were an inspiration to other people. I was an inspiration to other people. Not just because of what I was doing--not just because of the lessons I taught or the activities I threw together--but because of what I believed. I believed and understood and had a deep personal testimony of concepts that people spend their entire lives on the earth and never learn.
And I didn't just believe. I knew... I had seen and I had felt and I had been there.

Then, in the blink of an eye, it was all just gone.

Looking back on it now, I couldn't describe to you the path that led to my ultimate demise. I couldn't tell you the exact moment where it all went downhill, or even how long the adversary had been working on me before I ended up there. You might say that it had taken years. More likely, it had been a lifetime. But in the end the result was the same. In the end, through a series of small choices--through a dark chain of misdirection, rebellion, laziness, and pride--I fell.

I fell. And I hit hard.

At one point, I had a decision to make. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I couldn't continue on the path that I was on. At least, not in the direction I was going. But I had to make some choice about which way I would head next. Thankfully by the grace of the Almighty I still had enough of the Spirit left with me to want to make the right choice. So I prayed. I attended Stake Conference. I listened. I got my answer. I acted on it. And that's where the real work began.

The repentance process was grueling. From having to come clean with my husband to meeting with the Bishop to skipping the Sacrament. Every moment was heart wrenching. Every week a reminder. Every day I would wake up and, for a split second, forget and then suddenly be washed over and drowned by the weight of it. Some days I didn't want to get out of bed. Most days I didn't want to wake up at all. But I tried. My God, did I try. I knew that this--all of this--from the loss of the Sacrament to the rift I'd caused in my family, was my doing and I was bound and determined to fix it. I threw myself into my responsibilities. I recommitted myself to my family. I took on the role of homeschool mom again. I did anything and everything I could to keep my mind off of the guilt, off of the pain of knowing what I'd done and how badly I'd hurt everyone, from building bookshelves to color-coding crayons. And I did it with such a fervency that I was sure I would earn my forgiveness. I was SURE I could make it right again.

But it didn't work. I didn't feel better. The pain didn't go away. For anyone. It just got worse.

So that's when I gave up. After months and months of trying, after working myself to physical and emotional exhaustion, after giving up on my writing, and after walking away from everything that made me me with little to no results, I was done. I had come to one conclusion:

Some bones will never set.
Some wounds will never heal.
And, no matter how hard you try, some mistakes can never go back to the way they were before.

It was over. The damage--on a grand, eternal scale--was irrevocably done. I had failed my personal mission, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to accept my reality...

"You can't do this, Misty.
You aren't good enough.
And you never will be."

I walked away from everything I believed in. If I could put my trust in faith and make the "right choice," then why did it continue to hurt so badly? Why were things still so very, very messed up? Why, when I was doing everything I had been told and everything I was supposed to do, wasn't the repentance process working? What was wrong with me? That's when I decided I had been entirely too much of a disappointment. That I had fallen past the point of no return. And that's when I quit. I no longer had a testimony. Of anything. I had no idea who I was, what I was doing, or why I was even here. I gave up, not just on the concepts I'd known and believed in my entire life. I gave up on me. I gave up on mortality. I was done.

My love for my family was the only thing that kept me going. Regardless of what I believed, I had still made commitments to them. So I tried my best to keep myself, my home, and my family together. But I had to do it with little to no motivation, little to no faith in myself or anything else, and eventually--like an engine running on nothing but fumes--I burned out. I sputtered and I choked and, through a downward spiral of unrealistic expectations, depression, anxiety, and uncontrollable mood swings, landed myself in an Intensive Care Unit for three days. That's when I had to admit I wasn't just emotionally and spiritually done. I was physiologically done as well. I'd literally ran myself into the ground. Into a deep, dark, dingy hole. And there was no where left to go but up.

It was then that I finally began to heal. The ultimate diagnosis? Severe panic disorder, spotted with bouts of high anxiety, and exasperated by radically fluctuating hormones. I'd become so preoccupied with living up to everyone's expectations (including my own) that it, quite literally, terrified me not to meet them. I somehow talked my way out of inpatient care, promised to see an OB, a therapist, and a psychiatrist. I scowled my way through sessions, subjected myself to rather uncomfortable testings and treatments, showed up religiously (sometimes several times a week) to therapies to discuss my "sordid childhood" and "just how it made me feel" and practice hippy-dippy "coping" techniques, and endured roller-coaster results. I acquiesced to letting others make decisions for me, put on a happy face so as not to tip anyone outside of my husband off to my struggles, and took my various medications like a good little patient.

And eventually, to my great surprise, it began to work. Slowly I got my life back. I had to make sacrifices, alter my lifestyle and diet, change perceptions, and let go of expectations, but it was working. I was feeling better than I had in a very, very long time. After a few months the panic attacks had all but stopped, there were very few triggers left, and everything seemed to be coming together.

Well, almost everything.

Something was still missing. No matter how much better I felt, my husband was still miserable, and we still struggled to get back the dear, sweet connection we once had. Not that I didn't know deep down inside what the culprit was. Josh had expressed several times his desire to go back to church, to have that spiritual reinforcement. But as far as I was concerned, I was doing better than I had ever been as an active member and the last thing I wanted to deal with was more obligations and expectations, especially when I had finally found a balance to the ones I already had. Or, at least, that's how I thought I felt.

The truth was, I still didn't feel worthy. Sure, I could run a house like a well oiled machine, "mother hen" like nobody's business, and look smokin' h0t in curls and a Wonder Woman t-shirt for date night, but I was no longer "Molly Mormon" enough. I could no longer get through a Relief Society discussion without crumpling into panicky fits of hyperventilation. I could no longer feel the Spirit during Sacrament. I was no longer one of the "elites" that the Bishop "didn't have to worry about." Inside I had accepted the fact that I was never going to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. As far as the outside world was concerned, however, I was Super Woman, and I didn't want to have to admit I really wasn't.

It wasn't until I was inadvertently forced by a dear friend to take a long, hard look at what it was that I was still so desperately seeking--that I was inexplicably reaching out to find. It wasn't until I had no choice but to analyze his perceptions that I ultimately had to face my own. And as I did so, two words continued to ring out from the very Stake Conference talk that President Keogh had gotten up to give nearly 18 months before. The very talk that had answered my prayer, and inspired me to make the right choice in the first place. "Let go of what you think you want," he'd said.

Let. Go.

Two simple little words that, for me, held so much meaning. It was time to finally let go. To admit that I had been right so many months ago. That I wasn't good enough, and I never would be. That no matter how "together" I thought I was, I couldn't really do this.

And that was ok.

"You can't do this, Misty
You aren't good enough.
And you never will be...
At least, NOT ON YOUR OWN."

I once read that the reason that Satan is so good at deception is because he uses the truth to deceive. The truth, sprinkled with one simple, little lie. For me, that lie was that I had to do it on my own. That if I couldn't stand on my own, that if I couldn't get through mortality by my own devices, then I was a failure. That I was good enough...that I was special enough...that I was elite enough...and that I was different enough that I could "lean on my own understanding." That I--in my fallible, flawed, prideful, mortal thinking--knew better than He did. That I was in control.

What. Was. I. Thinking?!

I do need Him! I do need the Gospel. And I ABSOLUTELY need the Spirit. I CAN do this. But not the mortal me. Not the one that thinks she's so awesome and knows everything. The divine me. The eternal me that's trapped inside this imperfect body and waiting desperately to be spiritually fortified. The me that I was always meant to be.

And to get there, I first have to let go. I have to let go of what I think I want. I have to let go of my vision of the way things are supposed to be. I have to let go of my expectations and inhibitions. I have to let go of my understandings and interpretations. I have to let go of my imaginary control. I have to let go of how I think things should play out and trust that the person who is in charge knows what He's doing.

I never understood until the moment I came to that realization, what it truly meant to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Because of my prideful and rebellious personality, I quite literally had to be slammed against the shore before I'd ever figure it out. Ultimately, I left the church because I thought I wasn't good enough. What I didn't know was, I wasn't there because I was a leader or an inspiration. I wasn't there just so that others could learn from me. I wasn't there to share my vast knowledge and insight. I wasn't there because I was perfect.

I was there because I wasn't.

And I was there because, through Him, I still could be.

88 Comments

Grant Tompkins

8/21/2015 11:46:11 am

You have no idea how grateful I am to have read this post. Thank you.
This whole thing means a great deal to me. Thank you for your vulnerability.

Nick

8/27/2015 03:50:42 pm

I went crawling back because I was such in need of the community, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW WAS FALSE. I didn't care, I needed it. When I got the courage to leave and live an authentic life, I resigned the second time. It took moving out of the Mormon environment far away to do it

TC Allred link

11/5/2015 11:23:26 am

Yes, thank you for your vulnerability and courage to share this. It's so easy for any of us to judge others, both in and out of the church, yet you nailed the truth. None of us are perfect, and that's okay. Those who wish to leave the church and stop seeking the Savior's help in that journey, surely will feel freedom and joy as they exercise their divine gift of agency. The entire plan is about all of us being allowed to use this gift of agency as we wish. Every single one of us is accountable for our own lives. And if people find they are happier living life as a "free" agent, then they have accepted the path that fits who they wish to become. But for those of us who wish to use this gift in turning our lives over to the Savior, we have a different journey, where our joy comes in seeking a communion with heaven, and where our heart is focused on understanding what it means to be a child of the divine. Those who really seek to understand who the Savior is, and why he did what he did, will discover the gospel isn't the church members or a place to find a lengthy list of our shortcomings, the gospel is about our personal journey back to our Father who has invested immensely in our opportunity to become more than we could ever become left to our own merits. Forgiveness is needed by all. Thank you again for bravely sharing something that is a help to many who have struggled with similar inadequacies (which as you wisely shared, all of us are inadequate).

Annelise

8/22/2015 10:27:32 am

I had a conversation about this subject recently. After we left the church, my husband and I were talking about what the people who came back to the church always said were their reasons. It never had to do with the doctrine being wrong. It was always about them making bad choices and realizing that they were "sinners". We decided that people who left the church for doctrinal reasons... never came back and that is why the members never hear the reasons that someone came back was... "I thought Joseph Smith wasn't a prophet but then I realized that he was..."

Jon

9/7/2015 03:39:03 pm

I love how people 'assume' other people leave the church because "We" were sinning. That puts no blame or responsibility at all on anyone else. How about, the church is full of selfish people with silly selfish concerns. No one I know 'really' cares about me or what's going on with me. No one cares that every day it's a struggle to not kill myself. Even when I told the bishop I NEED to speak to a psychologist who is LDS, he just directed me to LDS Social Services. They are just counselors", that's not helpful. People leave the church because people don't feel important, they feel that people because on things that don't matter. Like yesterday in Sacrament, I had to get up and leave, after one child after another got up and said the exact same thing. You know the drill... "I know the church is true. blah blah blah. "

Liliana Grover

8/22/2015 05:38:48 pm

I don't know you, I stumbled upon this post through Facebook but I felt that in needed to let you know how beautifully written this is and that the spirit was felt throughout is entirety. Thank you for sharing your journey in such an inspiring way. I appreciate your heart and honesty.

Rachel

8/22/2015 07:16:51 pm

I hope you won't take this the wrong way because I in no way want to make light of the feelings you are going through. But I agree with Annelise. I've left the church twice now. The first was for reasons probably somewhat similar to yours. I had just gone through a divorce and didn't felt like I could belong, but afterwards I made some life choices that made me feel unworthy of even being at church. In choosing to come back to church I had to go through the whole repentance process more than once.

By the time I left the second time, I felt good about where I was spiritually, I felt forgiven and stronger and was serving in our primary presidency. We were struggling with finances and paying tithing though, so I decided to make a genuine effort to strengthen my testimony even more and study more church history. In studying more church history I eventually completely lost my testimony of the church. This time I knew I wasn't going back, but for totally different reasons.

But the thing is, I feel so much healthier mentally and emotionally. I didn't leave the church because it was making me feel guilty, but in deciding that the truth claims didn't hold up, what followed was me allowing myself to realize that I'm only human. I CAN do this by myself because I get to make the decision every day to be amazing. I can take care of my mistakes by being honest and genuine with myself and the people around me, and that feels so drastically healthy compared to what I felt with religion's perspective on my life and behavior. Morality isn't something that a church has to spell out for you or anyone.

You may not agree, but thanks for letting me share. If anything, I know what you've felt and I wish you all the best.

Lynn

8/25/2015 05:01:03 am

Very well said Rachel. Since I left the church I have felt a huge burden lifted off of me. I feel like myself. And it's not an easy road. But the bottom line is - I don't believe it. Not a word of it. And admitting that is like bursting out into the light from a miserable place. I do not judge others for their beliefs and I expect the same from them

Kara

8/25/2015 04:51:04 pm

Thank you! Amen!

Becca

8/26/2015 04:06:59 pm

Rachel,
Just screen shotted your comment. I read this and felt like it was so much like how I'm feeling lately...I just couldn't put it into words. Spiritually healthier...so resonates with me. So thank you.

Kim

9/2/2015 03:38:39 pm

Well said. I would also add that if something causes you so much pain that you end up in ICU, it is time to let go of that thing.

9/7/2015 05:34:53 pm

Rachel, I can understand. For me, it's not a matter of not believing though. It's a matter of the church bringing me down. I don't want it to. I want to be uplifted, and be in a loving environment. I get tired of a 'superior' attitude from members of the church. The "I'm going to the CELESTIAL kingdom and every other Christian is NOT, because I have the TRUTH, and they do not." Attitude... God doesn't want people like that in his kingdom. He doesn't need people always declaring the truthfulness of what they believe. If you believe something, and know it in your heart, then there is no need to proclaim it from the rooftop. That's what the Pharisees did. He doesn't want us declaring in a boastful manner our great superiority every Sunday. He wants us to actually read our scriptures. He wants us to actually DO good work on behalf of others, but for their sake, not for OUR sake. We can't be doing good just to prop up our status in the celestial realm. He wants us to get emotional, to feel the spirit, when it's actually happening, when it's appropriate. People can cry over the silliest things. They cry over something they made for a potluck. They cry because they are "So Proud" their son or daughter is at BYU, as if every other school is unworthy. Speaking of unworthiness/sinning, isn't pride a sin?
I may come of as angry. I'm not. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that people have a superior attitude, I'm frustrated that I am outcast because I don't fit the Mormon mold, I'm frustrated no one at church even notices me, I'm frustrated we say we believe the Bible, but ALL the talk always is B.O.M, I'm frustrated we don't 'allow' 'unworthy' people to attend temple or take sacrament, as if we are punishing them. You know who needs the sacrament the most? here comes the surprise..... Sinners! You and me! all of us. I want to live my life focused on Jesus Christ, on helping people, on showing Faith, Hope, and Charity to all those around me. Of living a life worthy of Christ's atonement, or at least trying. Someone in priesthood the other day, when asked what his biggest fear was, said "That I won't live worthy enough to attain the celestial kingdom'. You know what, even those in the Telestial or Terrestrial kingdoms are still EXALTED. They are still in God's presence. They are not 'less" than you. Pride-fullness is what is destroying this "true" church.
I listen to conference every six months, and what Holland has to say, what Monson has to say, etc... I believe. I say YES! That's what I've been thinking! I agree. But then I get to church, and people completely don't live it. And please don't tell me "The church is true, but the people aren't." If I hear that one more time I'm going to throw up.

Dani

8/23/2015 06:03:11 am

You have no idea how much this reading means to me. I'm 23 and I'm facing the same thing, I have been away from the church almost 1 year now and I just... I realize now that maybe I feel the same way, like I'm not good enough like I have made so many mistakes that I don't deserve forgiveness. Thanks for giving me hope, thanks.

April

8/26/2015 02:28:56 pm

You really should check out cesletter.Com before returning to church.

Elle

8/30/2015 07:23:30 pm

Amen amen amen!!!

Carley

8/26/2015 02:32:48 pm

Dani, you need to know that you DO deserve forgiveness. Not only do you deserve it, but our Father in Heaven is excited to do forgive! He loves you. He wants nothing more for you to come unto Him.
Don't believe Satan's lie. God loves you. He always has, he always will. Our Savior died for you, specifically. And he'd do it all again because that's how much he loves you.
Everyone's testimony ebbs and flows. What matters most is that you focus on what you DO know and grow from there. "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." Expand on your desire to see truth. Whatever your struggle is, know that you are loved. Know that you are never too far gone. And please, please...if you aim to strengthen your testimony, seek knowledge, understanding, and answers to your questions in the right places. For wherever you search, you'll find answers...search in the wrong places and Satan will provide you with pretty believable lies.

Renee

9/4/2015 07:45:34 pm

Beautifully said, Carley. I left the church once, years ago. I'm felt alone and forsaken by people I thought were my friends, and worse even, my Heavenly Father. The year or so I was away from the Church was not liberating. I felt even more lost and alone. I finally came to the realization that my life needed the Church community for me and my four little children. The Church was my heritage, and I was not whole without it. I did return, and was received with open arms by those whom I thought had forsaken me. I felt His arms around me as I started the repentance process and eventually returned to full fellowship. I still struggle at times with being obedient....I have a rebellious soul. But deep down, the Gospel is true. That, I can't deny.

Tina

8/27/2015 01:16:10 pm

Everyone deserves forgiveness.. It's sad that you think that you don't. It really doesn't matter what you have done- you deserve it. I am a good 20 years older than you and not a member(thankfully) and I will never go back to the church. If you only new what your ward members did you would not worry about forgiveness.. You just be the best you that you can be. Work hard, get an education, do things that empower you and help you believe in yourself. Anything and anyone that tells you otherwise needs to be pushed to the side..

Jennifer

8/24/2015 03:14:40 pm

I think this is absolutely wonderful. I agree with it immensely. I went through the same thing and now I feel stronger for it. I think returning to the church has not only strengthened me, but my family as a whole. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

Glenna

8/25/2015 07:28:47 am

So it's all about redemption as nd the atonement.God is real,the spirit matters and to feel the spirit one must be baptized and take sacrament. an excommunicated
mormon I still believe the church is true people make mistakes people will always be lessons than perfect. But Christ is always there with opened arms.

Zach

8/25/2015 09:51:56 am

I hate it when I read these almost confessions and I don't ever figure out what the person did. I understand its personal and embarrassing, but it just makes it difficult for me to relate to an "undisclosed sin" so to speak. I love the points made though. Great post.

Misty

8/25/2015 10:07:39 am

So, I was trying to avoid responding to comments, but I'll have to admit this one made me really curious. Does it matter what the "undisclosed sin" was? And I don't mean that in an even remotely abrasive or condescending way. I really am just curious about your perspective. For example, in your opinion, are there different levels of "sin." And if so, would knowing what it was make it more or less relatable? Like, if I had said I was a habitual shoplifter would you be like "oh, please, that's not that bad" or is it easier to relate to someone who was secretly a Mexican drug lord because that was WAY worse? (I am neither, by the way, but I'm just sayin'.)

8/26/2015 06:08:19 am

So my first reply didn't seem to go through. Basically I had a teacher who gave us a lesson about Voo Jade, the opposite of Deja Voo. Essentially the lesson was envisioning the situation you're in beforehand and decide what you're going to do before the situation happens. So if you did shoplift, I would picture myself shoplifting.

It helps me realize my own weaknesses, fears, hesitations when I put myself in someone's shoes. The more specific the better for me. So if I had shoplifted, I would related more to the post about shoplifting. It has less to do with the seriousness of the sin, and more with me identifying with the individual. If I was a Mexican drug lord and you were a mexican drug lord, I would identify with your experience more.

And obviously the lessons learned can be the same regardless of the sin, it's just a matter of me identifying with you better if I can better put myself in your shoes.

I hope that makes sense!

8/26/2015 09:05:11 am

Yes, Zach, that makes sense. One of the most prominent, as well as my favorite, lines from my patriarchal blessings says, "Choose beforehand the choice you will make so that you will know what you will do when various things happen." I am a strong believer in self-awareness, and think that it is actually what sets successful people apart. An ability to see and assess yourself as well as the situation gives you an incredible insight.

In terms of knowing the "undisclosed sin" to give you a better way to relate, I don't actually think that knowing what I did exactly will necessarily make it easier for you to relate. My husband has a saying. He says, "I hate when people say, 'if I were you I'd do this', because it's not true. If you were me you'd do exactly what I did, because it was me doing it." I think each sin is different for each person because each sin has a very different effect and meaning. What I did exactly you may not be able to relate to at all, because you're not me nor in my situation. However, relating to a similar type of "incident," and then adjusting the concept to your own situation, may help. Lets just say that I developed an unhealthy and destructive "preoccupation," if you will. A temptation so strong that I allowed it to consume me. An addiction that I entertained in thought so often that when the opportunity arose I finally acted upon it, knowing full well how wrong it was and no longer caring about the repercussions. We all have our own individual weaknesses--our demons, if you will--and I made the horrible mistake of actually acting on mine. So to place yourself in my shoes, just take one of your deepest darkest desires, your own unspoken addiction, and imagine acting on it without any thought or care to the consequences or how it would hurt the people around you. If you want a name for my sin, then I suppose ultimately it was Selfishness. I destructively indulged in my demons, to the point where it not only hurt me but the people I loved as well. So, on that note, take what I've said as a jumping-off point, and use it to put yourself not in my shoes, but in a much darker version of your own.

And I have no idea why your first response didn't go through. I did get an email notification about it, so I was able to read it, but I kept looking for it on the blog and never saw it. I was wondering, though, lol.

Suzie

9/8/2015 05:47:35 pm

I love this post, both your original which is amazing and wonderful to read and also this question. I agree! There are NO LEVELS of sin. It doesn't matter if it was murder, or stealing a $1 lipgloss from Walmart to even just lying to your spouce or family. They are all sins, and all are forgivable. God loves us all and our repentance is the same no matter the sin. I am so glad you found your way back. I hope your family continues to grow spiritually and stands in the light of t Gospel. I have struggles with my beliefs a half dozen times in my life and always found that I felt better after I returned to my God and the path he has for me. I know that even some of the times I left were because that is were he needed me to be for some growth or reason I may never know. It was where I needed to be at that time. I live in southern Ark. And homeschooled my three children. I hope to follow your writing more. God bless you all and take care.

8/25/2015 11:03:10 am

Thank you so much, everyone, for your comments. I do very much enjoy seeing everyone else's perspectives, and very much appreciate the encouragement and positive feedback.

Annelise, Rachel, and Lynn:
I sincerely thank you as well for sharing your perspectives. I'll be totally honest with you, last Sunday was my first Sunday back to church in a long time. And I can tell you, it was very, very hard and I really have no idea how it will end up going. One of the things I struggled with the most as I debated whether or not to leave the church is that I very much believe in and have an appreciation for the standards and values the church is supposed to represent. I tried to research and find ways to teach my children those values without the influence of the church. And as I researched that concept do you know what I realized? I'm very well aware of the church's sordid past, and the mistakes made by even the early leaders. My family has a long history within the church--my 8th great grandfather was Lucy Mack's uncle--and my family itself has a history of rebellion against the church. It actually drives me NUTS when people get up and profess that the "church is true." Because, you know what? It really isn't. The "church" is made up of fallible, flawed, prideful, MORTAL beings JUST LIKE ME. What remains true, through all the mistakes made by leaders, through the growing pains of the early church, and through the processes of the members continuing to grow and learn, is the GOSPEL. No matter what fault I can find with the way things are done or said or handled, by me or any other imperfect member, I cannot deny that I know that the gospel is true. I cannot deny that as I study the teachings of Christ, from an LDS perspective, I feel the Spirit greater than at any other moment of my life. So in the end, I have a choice. I can either continue to let the imperfections of the members that, invariably, make up that which is the church--I can let their flaws and failings and personal quirks--keep me from the blessings of the Sacrament and the temple, or I can embrace the Gospel and the teachings of Jesus Christ in the true spirit that they are meant to be practiced and lived and spread--making mistakes right along the way with everyone else. I have met some incredibly amazing members who lived the gospel in such a way and in such a spirit that was an inspiration to me. Then I've met some members that may have lived the gospel, done what they were supposed to do, but maybe have not quite reached the point of true conversion that we all must reach before we can finally know and live that spirit. I know I'm far from that point. But at least I realize that now. And I'm finally willing to try.

Mindy

8/25/2015 04:26:46 pm

I love this comment even more than the original post! I have also struggled with the 'church is true' statement and also came to the same conclusion that the Gospel is what is true!

Susie b

8/27/2015 05:49:30 pm

Agreed, it's all about the gospel, it's true! The people, the "callings" drive me a bit batty, for a variety of reasons, #1 being the politics of it all. I attend church because it's true, God knows the people break my heart.

Lesse

8/26/2015 04:34:16 pm

Well said! When I got called as a relief society president I had been going to church for all of my life and had my testimony ebb and flow, but I knew that I felt the spirit and I knew especially in the temple the peace I felt was undeniable. The call made me look at my own unworthiness the temptations I have struggled with are dark and soul killing and all the little niggling doubts I have had about Joseph smith and the early leaders mistake etc. made me feel less than others and sometimes bitter that I could not receive blessings because of these feelings. How could I lead others when I was imperfect? It was hypocritical, and I was afraid to offend, especially about something I personally understood and struggled with. But when I studied the history and fasted and prayed it was my miracle that now my eyes were opened and I was less judgmental and more sypathetic. I'm human, I will and did make mistakes, I now understood leaders doing their best to live worthy and serve more than ever. I understood those who serve and truly try to live by the spirit, they sacrifice and care and still have flaws, temptations and pain. I love how you don't sugar coat what sin truly is and that's selfishness. We are all trying to overcome it and sometimes it gets the better of us at different stages. No one is immune and I have learned testimonies get built everyday, yes even perceived perfect saints! If people make mistakes and then come back I say welcome welcome welcome we miss and love you and who care what it is? It's not up to us to decide degrees of glory but to lift one another to carry each others burdens and forgive again and again and again.
Those in Christ's time walked with him saw him preform miracles and felt the spirit but fled when they came to crucify him and Peter denied knowing him. Peter who became the head of the church. Can that not give us hope? Saul who became Paul had helped kill apostles and then when becoming one even quarreled with them about companions. These men weren't perfect but they taught and lived and served with love to the best of their ability. The atonement, the gospel is first and for most about love.

I do feel that all members myself included need to stop and really think about our very personal and ultimately individual relationship with our Heavenly Father and realize we are all on different paths, so be kind especially to yourself. I'm grateful for your courage and mercy in sharing of your experience, I pray that you will feel the Spirit in your life as you try to keep living true to the faith you have. I know it will be hard, more so as you battle every thing coming at you to keep you away as satan and others do not want you to return. Rest assured there are those cheering for you on the other side as well as those with you, because it's about enduring not instant perfection.

Crissy

9/8/2015 09:07:26 pm

Love your comment! Thanks for sharing!

Leslie

8/26/2015 06:53:16 pm

I loved the article and also appreciate this comment! I am forever grateful for the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Spirit that testifies of it.

Mike

8/27/2015 03:53:37 pm

AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN! Beautifully said! The GOSPEL is TRUE, PURE, and GOOD!!! We.......not so much.

Carolee link

8/28/2015 01:52:56 am

This is a beautiful message. I have recently come back to the church after 5 long years. In the spirit of full disclosure, I am an addict and have bipolar disorder. I have been angry at god for so long for giving me a mental illness that blocks my ability to feel the spirit. It's absolutely true that the people of the church are flawed. I had a bishop once that said the most awful, shameful things to me. He's human. He's flawed. I don't understand all of the gospel. I think if you claim to you are fooling yourself. What I do know is that my families life fell apart during the last 5 years. Not in big ways but enough for me to know that I've done some irreversible damage. We're trying to move forward and grow in the gospel now. I guess I'm of the idea that living the gospel hurts no one. I'm not racist, bigoted, or against women. I just see it as a good way to live my life and learn more about Christ. I pray that everyone can find gratitude in their lives. I think that's the biggest thing. Our family motto this school year is gratitude and I see what a difference that's making in our lives. I appreciate and respect everyone's comments and feel such a connection to this. Thank you, thank you for sharing!

9/7/2015 06:54:56 pm

Carolee, I hope you see this message. I suffer from what is at age 44, still, and probably always will be, an undiagnosed mental illness. But I think Bolderline Personality Disorder fits the best.
I hurt every day. I hurt because of the things I did to destroy my family, that ultimately ended my marriage to the most amazing, most beautiful woman I've ever known . I hurt because I don't see the world as others do. I hurt because other people hurt me, and I'm very sensitive. I yearn to leave this place and go home to Heavenly Father, but my kids still need me. They need me to be a good influence. They need a Dad. Someone who can be depended on, and that's who I'm trying to be. When the missionaries found me in 2008, it wasn't an accident or coincidence, it was destined. I know that the teachings of the Church are true, but it hurts so bad to go to church and see people NOT act in Christ-like ways. I feel so alone. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Far far from it. But I think we are too wrapped up in things that don't matter. Scouting, callings, potlucks, social cliques, and not focusing on Christ or what he would have us do. If I stopped going to church, no one would ever notice. And that's sad.

Michelle

8/28/2015 02:43:56 am

Misty,
I really appreciate your comment. You are right about church history tripping some people up. My sister and mother were the most active, serving, diligent sisters there were, but then the mistakes and imperfect decisions of past leaders contributed to them leaving the church. I could only imagine how the Lord could only reveal doctrine only so much at one time, while others things had to be attended with the leaders being left to their own wisdom and understanding of how to do it. And the Lord allowed the struggle, then redirected in due time. The establishment of Christ's church and the gospel of Jesus Christ are perfect...and nothing else is. I'm glad you're back.

8/28/2015 03:34:01 pm

And, you know Michelle, we have no idea why the Lord reveals doctrine that He does in the timing that He choses. As an author, I can have such an incredible appreciation for how Heavenly Father "plays out" the whole "plan of things." It's like how story line is revealed in parts and pieces. It's not to string the reader along or even to make the story more exciting, but to have the greatest impact on what you, as the reader, take away from the experience. I don't just want my readers to be entertained. I want them to be changed in some way. I imagine Heavenly Father, as the author of our salvation, is much the same way. He knows we're not just here for the ride. We're here to become the people we were meant to be. There is a line from one of the final chapters of my first novel coming out at the end of this year. It says, "Knowing how the story ends means knowing who your characters become, and what they have to do to get there." Fortunately for all of us, Heavenly Father knows exactly how the story ends. He knows exactly what has had to happen, "to get us to the point where we are right now." We don't know the purpose behind the way things were shown to the early leaders, or even the purpose of the mistakes that were made, but we can take a look around and see what the gospel has become--how it has spread to the world--and be reassured that maybe, just maybe, He knew what He was doing.

9/8/2015 05:53:33 pm

I can not even tell you how amazing these words are to me, I have tried to sleek to friend and curc members about how I feel....could never get it across just right so the would understand. That is it, perfectly said and I hope others hear it. Thank you so much.

Liliana

8/25/2015 05:19:38 pm

Mindy I agree with you. Misty you are an example and inspiration to many. I have come to the same conclusion myself. The gospel is true... Jesus Christ is my salvation. I will have patience with the church's leaders because to someone rise I an a leader and they need to have patience with me. The church organization teaches us and gives us opportunity to serve, love and apply gospel principles and become ready to live in the kingdom of God.

Megan

8/26/2015 03:39:52 am

One of the best articles I've read in a long while. Thank you for your honesty, bravery, and faith. I wish you much peace and strength on your continued journey.

Bryan

8/26/2015 03:41:06 am

I mean this with the utmost respect: If you leave and go back, you never left in the first place.

Leaving a religion is a mental process, not a physical one. Once you've left mentally, there is no going back.

Araby link

8/26/2015 10:24:58 pm

So that seems like black and white thinking, an absolute truth. Human nature is change and adaptation, a person can go back and forth with any beliefs and theories for their choices in life.
However, I agree somewhat. I left the church mentally and physically for 10 years, and this year is my 10th year on my journey back. I'm feeling like I will be "on the fence" for life.
Once a firm decision has been reached with supporting logic and personal experience to support the new way of thought, can one go back???

8/27/2015 08:30:59 am

Bryan, I actually agree with you. I think that is what was the hardest part of trying to go through the repentance process in the first place and it "not working" for me. The truth is, once you leave mentally, you can't ever go back.

At least, not as the person you used to be.

But you can return stronger and with a deeper, more personal understanding of the gospel. Don't get me wrong. It's not easy. I am very well aware that it will take a lot of painful, hard, slapped-in-the-face-with-your-own-imperfections work. But I believe it is possible. No, I KNOW it is possible. I just have to accept the fact that I will no longer be the same person. And pray that this new person is an even better, humbler, stronger version of my old self.

Bob link

8/26/2015 04:57:41 am

Wow! Thank you for sharing. This gave me courage and helped me remember what the atonement is for. It is a testament that God is in charge, and that even the most difficult trial can lead you to greater truth and faith. Thanks again!

Crystal

8/26/2015 03:44:29 pm

Thank you so much for sharing such a personal experience. I needed to hear this, and know I'm not the only one who struggles sometimes too

Shelley link

8/27/2015 07:06:13 am

Misty... Wow.... This is one of the best articles I have read in a long time. Your response to those who differ in opinion are some of the most well thought and respectful I have ever read. Thank you. Thank you for stating your journey with truth and grace. Thank you for the reminder that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the truth and the way and that organized religion is just an imperfect means to an end and not a finished product. All of us are unfinished until that wonderful moment that we are with our savior in his presence again. You are the type of intelligent articulate type of LDS woman we so desperately need right now.

Laura (and Janelle)

8/27/2015 09:21:43 am

This is what a friend of mine wrote and I thought you'd like to hear it:

This poor woman. She's internalizing the toxic shame-based messages the church is feeding her, to the point of the destruction of her own mental health, and yet she still doesn't see that what she thinks is the solution (the church) is actually the very poison causing all her problems. The real path to healing is to realize that you are normal, beautiful, whole, and worthy EXACTLY as you are, that what you've been shamed and scorned and judged for doing is simply "being a normal young woman", that even if you do ever feel that you've made mistakes, there is still a huge difference between feeling guilty vs the overwhelming shame of being AN UNWORTHY PERSON that the church throws at you, and that you are being spiritually and emotionally abused by anyone who would tell you otherwise. But if she internalizes the shame, agrees with her abuser that she is as bad as they have taught her, grovel hard enough and accept the degradations they demand to be accepted again, then, she'll be accepted again by the tribe, and this relief will be interpreted by her as a spiritual experience, locking her down even further into delusions. I am so glad I got out. It's like a horror show, looking backwards after you truly see what is happening.

8/28/2015 01:22:20 am

Laura and Janelle,

Thank you for sharing this. I love seeing others' perspectives because, as I mentioned in the article, it gives me such an incredible insight into better understanding my own. I love how Janelle phrases what I was going through as a "toxic-shame based message." That is EXACTLY how it felt to me. It was as if I was being poisoned by the shame and guilt. I was quite literally dying inside, little by little, until I got to the point where I finally broke. And it was not until I was able to finally face my abuser that I was able to realize that I was, in fact, normal, beautiful, and worthy. I agree with Janelle--except for on one point. The abuser wasn't the church or even the members.

The abuser was me.

You see, until I wrote this post NO ONE HAD ANY IDEA I HAD EVEN DONE ANYTHING WRONG. Aside from my Bishop and my husband, no one had the slightest clue that I'd made a mistake at all, let alone the level of my indiscretion. It was not that I was caught in some sort of ward-shattering scandal. People weren't whispering to themselves and then averting their eyes when I'd walk by. No one made me feel guilty, because, as far as they were concerned, I was still Molly Super Mormon. Each time someone would visit our home, from the Bishopric to the Stake Presidency, they would apologize to ME because the only reason they could imagine someone as spiritually strong as me would leave is if I had been offended. They'd ensure me that the ward dynamic had changed and there were more people to help (assuming that I'd simply become burned out), that they were aware of the needs of the ward, and that they were making a conscious effort to work on it. The stake even invited me to come talk to the Stake Presidency to try to help gain some insight on what could be done differently. AT NO POINT DID ANYONE EVER EVEN REMOTELY SUGGEST THAT THE PROBLEM WAS ME, and that I needed to "grovel hard enough and accept the degradations" in order to be "accepted again by the tribe." In every "please come back" encounter, they were asking ME to again ACCEPT THEM, in all their flaws and imperfections. No one knew what I was truly struggling with, and each of these encounters simply made me feel worse because--as far AS I WAS concerned--I didn't deserve it, because I indeed INTERNALIZED MY OWN SHAME.

Because I was too attached to a perfectionist lifestyle that I had associated with THE CHURCH to have a full understanding of the sweetness and beauty and MERCY of the GOSPEL.

I mistakenly thought that because "the church was true," that it somehow made me perfect or impervious to mistakes. I was wrong. I distinctly remember an afternoon walk where I was contemplating how disappointed Heavenly Father must be in me to continually watch me fall over and over again. When I fell, I thought there was no going back. That there was no returning to what I once was. That I was no longer "good enough" to call myself a stalwart member. What I didn't realize was that being a member didn't automatically make me perfect. It made me a work in progress. And it was ok to make mistakes along the way. As long as I got back up and kept on trying.

Because Heavenly Father is never disappointed in how many times we fall. He's proud of how many times we get back up.

9/7/2015 07:34:39 pm

I'm glad you had people actually visiting you, because I never have. I've had to struggle to get anyone to visit. No home teachers, nothing. Maybe in Utah though.

Eric

8/28/2015 07:51:14 am

Misty - such a beautiful post! You've described many feelings I have had over the past 8 months since I was excommunicated. What a hard fall and how much pain I've caused my family, my friends, and my Heavenly Father!
I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted from me by my confession to my wife, family, bishop, stake president, and myself. I have found peace in my efforts and my relationships with my wife/family and my Savior, but at the same time have felt such a horrible sense of abandonedment within the church. I completely agree with the outcome of my admission and I would have chosen the same result if I were in their shoes.
It's not that I feel like I am purposefully being shunned, it's just that most people can't relate or it makes them uncomfortable although I have continued to attend church weekly to soak up any part of the Spirit I can. Even my bishop has only met with me twice in the eight months and I believe it's just between being busy and feeling uncomfortable. It's not the process I read about in the handbook or the ensign.
So as time goes on, even though I am doing the right things now, I feel less and less desirous to go to church just because I feel such a disconnect with anyone else. The bottom line is that I just don't feel like a belong and while trying to figure this all out on my own, I've come to find a peace inside. While I do feel at peace with myself, my Savior, and my direction now, the church part is one where there is still a gaping hole. I'm not sure if it is because I live in a area where the church is very sparse and there aren't any resources or not knowing someone who has been down this path and knows how to get back. I was interested in your perspective as well because of your location because I do feel like it might be playing a factor. Until I figure it out, I just keep going......

8/28/2015 03:11:05 pm

I appreciate immensely your willingness to share your own personal story as well, Eric. This is again such a fantastic example that we as members are still not perfect--that we're simply flawed mortal beings continuing to struggle with our own inner battles, who have made the covenant to fight on. And I'm not only referring to the example you gave with your own struggle, but the struggles of the people around you as they learn how to adapt and deal with the situation as well. I will say that, to every side of an indiscretion, there are not only those who seek forgiveness but also those who must strive to forgive. I can testify that both sides can be equally hard to go through, and sometimes even more so from the side of those who must forgive because deep down inside they believe they are hurting at the hands of someone else's choices, and it makes them feel, at the very least, uncomfortable and withdrawn, or at the very worst, victimized and helpless. You must also keep in mind that people will progress at different rates. Sometimes you may feel that you are doing better spiritually and should thereby be more readily accepted, while others are still behind in their spiritual journey in forgiving and accepting you. It is a very, very hard thing to remember. I know from personal experience that the more you are reminded of the pain or discomfort you have caused another the harder it becomes to forgive yourself and continue to progress. I know how it feels to look around, think "Can't you people see how hard I'm trying and how far I've come?" and then give up and walk away because the entire process seems so daunting and fruitless. The only thing that I can tell you is that forgiveness is just as much a spiritual process as repentance is. You must have the kind of patience with others as you would have with yourself or would want them to have with you.

I think often times we can easily justify and rationalize our own flaws. We know what we have suffered and know how hard we've tried just to get to where we are. Seldom, however, do we understand those concepts in others. Just as you are not perfect, neither are they. Just as you must learn to forgive and accept yourself, must they learn to forgive and accept you. Just as you are on your own road to spiritual recovery, so are the rest of us. Always, in some form or another. Whether we are simply members or the Bishop himself.

In time, it will heal and become better, I promise you. If you will simply hold on. I have seen excommunicated members who were once bishops finally become baptized again after 10 long years of the repentance process. Sometimes endurance is all that is required. Though, admittedly, it's the hardest part. Until that time I will leave you with a small bit of advice that my husband gave me during one of the Sundays weeks ago when we made a half-hearted attempt to attend. Having been a priesthood leader before agreeing to leave with me, he was used to spending half his Sunday running around to try to take care of everyone and everything else. The one thing he shared with me that Sunday afternoon was his realization that "We (our family) were the most important people in that entire building--or, at least to us, we should be." Just remember that you and your own family, in your eyes, should be the most important people in that entire building right now. Though the loss of fellowship can be painful, you worry about YOU. Find solace and companionship in YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN. Continue diligently to do the things that you would need to do for yourself on the road to repentance. Worry about your OWN relationship with your Him, and remember that those around you who would make you feel less than worthy are working on theirs as well. As you pray for the strength to forgive your own flaws and transgressions, pray for the strength to forgive those around you, and to remember that they are not perfect either. And that's ok.

Ron

9/8/2015 08:36:52 am

This comment, in the middle of many, is a true gem, something I wish I could post on a church bulletin board. Thank you, Misty--and other posters--for recognizing that our spiritual journeys are long, difficult at times and deeply personal. I appreciate the comments that we cannot rely on other members or leaders: but we CAN appreciate their efforts and acknowledge that they are on their own journeys. One thought to add. I don't mean for this thought to be trite: there is incredible power in listening, with an open mind, to our leaders in general conference. I used to hear, "Be good, keep trying, don't worry about critics or history, blah, blah, blah." But now, when I listen or read with an honest and sincere heart, I find messages that speak directly to me. They are NOT hollow or superficial pep talks. They can be very deep, personal and profound. I mention this because when I feel that I'm alone on my journey through doubt and guilt, there are people and messages--like this one--that I need to hear to buoy me up. Thank you, Misty, for sharing your honest and heartfelt journey. As you have made clear, we do not make the journey alone.

9/7/2015 07:46:21 pm

Eric, I understand the disconnect. Please read my other posts here. I also feel at peace with myself and with the Savior, having come through fire and out the other side. I won't go to any other church, because I know I would feel an even greater disconnect there. But I wish things were different.

Craig

8/29/2015 05:57:22 am

Misty

I caught your article just flipping through Facebook and couldn't break away once I started reading. Thank you for sharing. I know, I know...that sounds like a "12-step" thing or something, but that's exactly what you did. You took a valuable, priceless, and probably at one point, the most guarded and hidden piece of your soul, brought it into the light...and stood there with it!

That's guts woman! You probably knew it would resonate with some, be dismissed or poo-poo'd by others, and a few would even try to crush & destroy its value.

Again, thank you for truly sharing.

My situation is similar, not exact, but similar. I am blue-blooded, pioneer-descended, raised in The Church, Idaho mormon stock. My dad was a bishop and stake president in his 30's, and had built a successful business that he left in his early 40's to serve as a mission president. I served a mission that I still miss to this day, married in the temple and have accepted callings across the board. Solid family-rocks. Go-to people...almost.

I can also remember coming to church late at age 14 so I wouldn't be asked to pass the sacrament. I can remember sweating in that wooden pew, white knuckles gripping that bench, and listening to a broken record of what was "no still small voice" repeating messages of hypocrisy, dishonesty, disloyalty and self-hatred while I watched my friends administer that ordinance. That was 30 years ago.

To be clear, I am not a bishop, nor have I been. I serve in a supporting leadership capacity. Maybe that shouldn't matter, but it often amps up my feelings of hypocrisy. My specific issue is not relevant except that I have made choices over the years that have worn down my strength to choose. I believe this has worn down my strength and faith in regards to supporting & nurturing my family, lack of care physically, marital strain, disengagement, exhaustion & at times, deep depression.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I love The Gospel--as it applies to other people. After years of agonizing, counseling, talking to bishops, praying & serving, I cannot say I feel forgiven. I cannot say I've repented. In my head, I'm afraid I've resigned myself to doing the best I can with what I've got. I feel like I've come close at times, I think I have even let go at times, only to panic, run back, and hold on for dear life.

It is now reaching a point where the fallout from my behavior is breaking apart our family and marriage. In the past few days, I have almost resigned myself to a fate. That maybe it's time to let go, but on the flip side. Accept that I am a failure & will continue to fail. I don't have enough faith to surrender to Christ and his atonement. I have been a living lie, and the consequences are inevitable. I married my wife with the intention of protecting and caring for her, but I've become her greatest source of pain; we had children with the idea that we could give them not a perfect home, but a strong one where they could feel happy, learn to work, and learn principles to help navigate life; I would have a fulfilling career, stay healthy, and someday be that great patriarchal figure, who could smile as he looked back on perhaps an imperfect life, but a life well-lived.

I don't know where things go from here, but your entry has made me pause (and burn time that I was supposed to be organizing the garage;-dangit!). That's a good thing. Maybe that's not the flip side of letting go. Maybe it's all the same.

Thank you again.

8/29/2015 09:18:05 am

Craig,
I will never, till the day I die, forget the words of my stake president as he got up to give his talk that Sunday. I had been praying for guidance and decided to attend stake conference that morning specifically to find my answers. My stake president stood up, explained that when he had gotten out of bed that morning he was suddenly prompted to give a completely different talk than the one he had planned to give the night before. He said, in his thick Scottish accent:

"Jesus Christ wants you to know He loves you. He wants you to know that if He had to, He would have performed the entire Atonement for YOU and you alone."

It was at that moment that I knew, without a doubt in my mind, he was prompted to give that talk for me. The one part of my testimony that I have been able to hold steadfast to, that I have had an unwavering understanding of for my entire life, was how much my Savior loved me.

And how much He loved each one of us.

Once, no more than a couple of years ago, I had a dream. In this particular dream, I was in a schoolyard. It was not anywhere that I had ever been before. All I know is that I was young, around grade school age, and there were two young Muslim girls there with me. Why Muslim? I have no idea. I don’t really know anyone who is Muslim, at least not very well, and don’t know a whole lot about their beliefs. But I do know in the dream we were having a conversation about prayer. They were explaining to me that, as part of their beliefs, they pray many times a day. They, however, did not believe that God answered their prayers. I remember feeling very sad that they did not know that Heavenly Father loved them so much that He does, indeed answer our prayers.

So I decided I would prove it to them.

I turned my attention out to the horizon, bowed my head, and prayed for rain. I heard the thunder crack before I had even finished the prayer. As I opened my eyes, I watched the clouds gather before the sun, and a storm of great magnitude ensue right before us. As we stood there beneath an awning and watched the rain drench the playground, I witnessed their delight at the sudden and powerful realization that, not only does God answer prayers, but He does so because of His immense love for us.

I have never experienced such an intense feeling of joy as I felt at that moment. It enveloped me in a way that I could never successfully convey. And not just because I had made it rain, which is, in and of itself, an incredible feat. But because I had been a tool in the hands of my Heavenly Father for helping another one of His children understand that He loves them, on the same level of depth that I have known it my entire life.

Despite that knowledge, I always thought that the Atonement was for everyone else. Why? I really have no idea. Perhaps it was because I thought I was special in some way. That I didn't need it. Perhaps it was because deep down inside I had such an incredible testimony that I thought that if I ever truly messed up I wouldn't deserve forgiveness--because I knew better. I'll tell you this much, though. I know how it feels to not just to be on the verge but to indeed "resign myself to a fate." And it wasn't until I got to that point that I finally did let go. I did accept the fact that I was a failure and I would indeed continue to fail. It wasn't at all because of my "faith in the Atonement." It wasn't because of my testimony in Christ. It was because I DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH LEFT TO KEEP TRYING. I had no choice but to resign myself because I simply did not have the energy to fight on. I could no longer stand on my own and it took my husband, a near-death experience, and a small team of medical personnel before I finally figured it out.

And you know what happened? I discovered something I didn't expect. It was ok to let go. What I had been fearing for most of my life was the most empowering release I had ever felt. Because what I learned was that letting go and accepting I was a failure and that I would continue to fail was exactly why we were given weaknesses in the first place. Letting go and accepting I would fail was what I was supposed to do, AS LONG AS I GOT UP AGAIN AND KEPT TRYING. Because, in the end, we're all really just "living a lie." We're divine beings of Heavenly ancestry and noble birthright trying desperately to live out our lives in mortal, flawed, weak, quick-to-falter bodies, and we will spend an entire LIFETIME constantly at war with OURSELVES. It's not how many battles we win. It's that we keep on fighting, no matter what.

Perhaps the greatest lie that Satan has ever told the children of men is that we did not exist with Heavenly Father before we were born. That's because if we truly embrace that belief then we will realize that the war was already won long ago, before we even so much as came to this world. We're not here to choose. We've already chosen. All we have to do is remember that.

Bryan Ells

9/8/2015 02:24:39 pm

Misty, you're a sweetie, if you were close by I'd give you a big squeezin hug (a grandpa hug, of course since you're younger than my youngest). There are too many hi-5's in your article & comments to mention any! I'm not sure why I even began to read the original article (& the 2hrs of comments) b/c your personal situation is totally 180* different & I'm not leaving the church not close. Yet "getting down" is still down no matter what the circumstances are. But getting back up and "getting it" is probably what this life is all about (no matter the age or circumstance- I'm 5th gen LDS, 60 yrs baptized & always faithful). I'm just now finally learning what faith, repentance, taking Christ's name & the atonement is really all about. But "letting go" is where it is at and then Him direct us just as you so ablely penned Wow girl you brought tears to my eyes realizing that I am not the only one hurting and struggling for answers. Then to think. What if everyone in Church last Sunday sitting beside me has some kind of problem like me and we each are thinking "why doesn't the other one notice me?"? What if? And I said nothing to no one! Maybe I could have made somebody's day by just smiling and saying "I'm ...... Glad to see you" etc. This instead of thinking 'poor me, nobody even cares about me'!!!
Misty Gal THANK YOU. You keep this up! You are good, sensitive, charitable (LDS type)!
Bryan

jolene link

8/30/2015 03:59:00 am

Wow. All I have to say is this. The Church is true. The gospel and the Church are the same thing. IF YOU PRAY ABOUT THE TRUTH, AND RECEIVE A CONFIRMATION OF IT'S TRUTHFULNESS, YOU CAN SAY THE CHURCH IS TRUE. BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN PERSONAL REVELATION. The only perfect people are God and Jesus Christ. Period. Not people in your ward. Not people involved in your callings. I have been to the other side you are referring to. Almost word for word. Repentance was uncomfortable and humbling. I don't ever want to experience that process again. I have been blessed beyond measure for the forgiveness of my family members. Trust me. Now is not the time to turn your back on this Gospel. The beauty is....we all have free agency. We need to use it wisely. If you have prayed about something with humility and sincerity and received revelation of it's truth, then nothing should change in the course of your testimony. Black and white. Not grey. No matter what life in the Church brings you....that confirmation and revelation still are true. That didn't change. "You "did. There are imperfect people in ALL of the Church's history. Past, present, future. Sad if that decides your testimony. Convictions don't change. People get lazy and use other things as crutches. Happy we all have our free agency.

9/7/2015 01:39:06 pm

I'm so tired of people using that phrase "People aren't perfect but the church is". That's a cop out. It's an excuse used to forgive people who treat others horribly. Every day as I read my scriptures, the spirit testifies to me of the realness of Jesus' atonement. But I don't k ow how much longer I can be active in a church without the "pure love of Christ". I live in a city of 4.5 million people, a ward with a thousand people, and I'm more lonely now than ever. All I hear is talk of "worthiness" and "I KNOW I'm going to the celestial kingdom" as if it isn't just absolutely amazing, in and of itself, that the Grace of Jesus Christ's sacrifice redeemed us. You cannot earn your way to heaven. How often do I hear a testimony start with... I" KNOW my redeemer lives, that Jesus Christ is my love and my rock, that through him I am saved. I want to be like him." ???. Never. But I always hear testimonies that start with "I know the Book of Mormon is (fill in the blank), "I know we have a true prophet..." where is Jesus in it all!? I don't want to hear about how the spirit moved you about how important boy scouts is, or something equally pointless.

I may sound like I'm anti church, but I'm not, I'm anti hypocrisy. Use your free agency to serve others. Look around you. People hurt. People are suffering. People are living a lie. Be the change in this world. Do something!

9/8/2015 06:17:00 pm

Jon, I wanted to reply to your post. I came from one of the splites off the church after Josephs death. And while we had the BofM and some doctirine we were always missing the care for eac other outside service. When I joined the LDS church it was bases on a life long testimony of th BofM and a new testimoney of the loving family based beleifes that this church follows. I have sinced moved and learned that how saints deal with each other is a Ward by Ward change. The ward I was baptised in was one of th best in the stake as far as visiting and caring for each others outside service and classes. The ward I am now in is small and made of moatly older familys that care nothing for each other or for new membrs once service ends. Besides a Hi, how are you at church we NEVER ard from anyone! Ever! So I went to my Stake Presidecy and I asked. As a new mebmber what do I do, an while he told me that the leadershop would be stepping into help from their side to fix some of the problems going on......the best advice he gave me! BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT IN TH WORLD! If you dont have anyone there tgat carea about you, reach out. Invite them over to get t know you! You reach out to othera and you will start the change you want to see......one o the things I struggle with is how can I complain about other behavior wen I also payback and make similar mistakes. I didn't contact anyone outside of service, I never bothered....felt it was their job. Well I got woke up! God only hold us accountable for our own actions! So be your own change and see where it leads. I appreciate you comment and completely understand where you are. I also get fed us with the monotony of things. Comfortable saints in their pews do not share the spirit. We have to stiu them up sometimes to get the Sport of The Lord back flowing and burning in our hearts.

Ammon

8/31/2015 03:31:53 pm

As someone who is dealing with severe panic disorder currently, this post gives me hope. I don't know if I can make a full recovery like you are making, but I'd really, really like to get my life back.

9/1/2015 05:58:45 am

It's the craziest thing in the world isn't it, Ammon? I mean, I've always had a bit of anxiety (I'm an apocalyptic author, Emergency Management major, and prepper, so I've always struggled with a never-ending sense of impending doom) but there is nothing quite like that sensation when you have your first panic attack. The way your body reacts physiologically to something inside your head is almost hard to believe. The racing heart beat, the sudden inability to breathe, the lightheadedness, and the sensation that you're dying, all at the hand of some unnamed internal or external trigger--it's almost hard to fathom that it can actually happen. Especially when all you're doing is something perfectly normal, like grocery shopping or trying to see a movie with a few friends. It can be pretty demoralizing.

I will say that it has taken me a year and a half to get where I am. The hardest part was that (at least in my case) there was no one single method or antecdote that worked. It was a combination of many things including medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, identifying and avoiding triggers, lifestyle and diet changes, and letting go of expectations. There are a few posts on this site that may help, including some on how I've learned to increase healthy habits, the importance of developing a support system, and how to avoid triggers. You may find some of them helpful.

Good luck.

Letting go of expectations: http://fightingtherain.weebly.com/life/fighting-the-rain

Taking better care of your body:
http://fightingtherain.weebly.com/life/how-to-healthy-challenge-the-misty-way

The importance of a support system:
http://fightingtherain.weebly.com/life/the-importance-of-friendship-what-ive-learned-from-the-people-i-love-the-most

Finding your triggers:
http://fightingtherain.weebly.com/life/the-7-secretsto-staying-sane

9/2/2015 04:36:57 am

Hi Misty,

I really love your post and thought this would be a powerful thing for many to read. I am an editor with LDS Living Magazine, and I would love to get in contact with you about the possibility of running this blog on our online site with a link back to your original blog. The only thing we would need to change would be the line, "what the hell was I thinking?" Would that be something you would be interested in?

9/7/2015 01:05:44 pm

I leave this reply without having read any of the other comments yet...
I just finished reading this article on "Why I left the church, and why I came back', and I am left with mixed feelings. On one hand, I understand 'Crashing", after having made a ton of very bad choices in 2013/2014, the result of which was the loss of my marriage, my house, job, step kids, pet, car, etc.. I understand starting over. I continue to struggle with what I call the "Culture" of the church though.
I love the Savior, I believe in the restored gospel, the Book of Mormon, but I struggle every single week in the three hour block. I still can't comprehend church 'culture', I.E: Callings, social groups, things that are unique to Mormonism. I didn't grow up in the church, I was a convert in 2008. I look around me and I don't find the love that is talked about. I see a lot of social cliques, people talking about Boy Scouts, and relief society, and primary, and lots and lots of talk every Sacrament about "I know the church is true, I 'know' President Monson is a true prophet, I know the BOM is true (usually from 4-6 year old kids that can't possibly "know" these things to be true.). I see lots of what I think are crocodile tears. Every single person every single fast and testimony Sunday always breaks down in tears over seemingly simple things. You're really going to break down and sob because you're happy your son got some merit badge or something? How about this... try loosing everything you've ever loved, going to jail, loosing the woman you were sealed to, being outcast from your ward, going to a new ward, and months and months go by, and no one speaks to you, the Bishop refuses to discuss renewing your temple recommend, even though I do know I'm worthy now), you are never given a calling, you are never introduced as a new member in the ward, you are not given a home teaching companion, you sit in the middle of a fireside with almost 1000 people there, you sit there crying because you feel no love at all, no fellowship, no one knows you exist, and people simply walk by you. I want to scream I AM REAL! I AM STILL ALIVE! I am not a monster. I need to be loved. ... and no one sees me. They are too wrapped up in culture. In indoctrinating their nice little white shirted minions to utter feigned "allegiance" to the church, when a 4 year old can't possibly have a 'testimony' of our Savior (well, it's rare). I know I sound bitter. Maybe I am. But I don't see people living the Gospel. I see lots of fakeness. I see people looking down at me if I don't 'fit the mold'. If I don't wear a white shirt to sacrament, I get dirty looks. I don't fit in because I don't have kids in the church, I don't have a spouse anymore, I keep telling myselg to keep going, because after all I've been through, I KNOW for an absolute fact the LDS church has the restored gospel, and the the BOM IS in fact truth, but I don't belong, and I'm afraid I never will. I don't see people actually studying the scriptures, talking about the scriptures, being friendly and loving, actually, I struggle and fight anxiety and depression every day, I struggle to understand where I belong. If the spirit didn't testify to me of the truthfulness of the gospel, I would run away from it all, fast and far....

9/8/2015 06:28:38 pm

Jon I enjoy your comment! I feel the same a lot of the time. I do not fit were I am. I do not have a spouce in the church, no priesthood in my home and I am the only person of my family that is a member. Please keep going. Your relationship with God and how yuu practice your faith is all that matters. I hope you are able to find where you fit. Or to have peace attending where you don't fit inspit of it. Maybe God sent you there for a reason you don't see yet. May never see. My family and I were moved to a different state two years ago and while it has been torture both religusely and financially we are here for a reason. Took over two years for me to see it and it is only,temporary. But still we were here because it was where we needed to be. Good,luck and may God Bless you.

Grandpa Chet link

9/7/2015 01:27:39 pm

Now that I clicked on yer blog, I'll paste what I commented at LDS Living. (Yes, I plagiarize myself.) To wit:

I'm gonna find a way to format this for printing, then tape it ON my laptop screen, where I'll HAVE to see it to remove it each day. (Hopefully I'll re-read it.)

This sounds and feels like me. We're in a ward where I'm invisible, where my wife feels apart, and since my physical body has been falling to pieces (Shades of Airplane II: the Sequel!) it's just plain physically PAINFUL to get from Point A to Point B.

I need heroes to inspire me. I need them as big and as powerful as I can get them. Thank you for being my SUPER hero.

Kararaina

9/7/2015 05:29:48 pm

With tears in my eyes, thank-you! Thank you for opening your heart to share your experience.

Kevin B Sanders

9/8/2015 05:48:08 am

Misty, you impress me very much. I'll be 59 next week and so very closely can relate to your feelings. Thank you for writing this.

Cheryl

9/8/2015 08:24:55 am

So many people have left the church and mentioned that no one even cares or maybe no one knows what to do about them or for them. People mention hating the politics. There ARE a lot of politics in the church. But it's a HUGE organization and there needs to be order and organization! And EVERYONE in it is imperfect. I have responsibilities as a Primary President right now. I also have responsibilities as a VT and as a mother and wife. So many responsibilities. And with a husband who has left and is now athiest on top of it all. It is SO overwhelming sometimes. BUT I know that the restored gospel is true and I know that there are others who are struggling and having a hard time. So what do I do? I add more to my plate! I reach out to so many people and try to help. And last week I had a moment where out of nowhere I just got burnt out. I was tired of thinking about everyone else. I was tired of no one thinking about me. It was a selfish moment for sure with some tears. But then I read an article from April's conference that lifted me back up titled The Comforter. Yes, it's hard and it's a lot of work and it's a burden sometimes living up to our baptismal covenants to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. But HE is there to lift OUR burdens even when our burdens seem to be helping others. But he NEEDS us to help others. When I'm helping others, I know that someone out there knows that someone here on earth is thinking about them. I don't want anyone to leave this church because they thought no one saw them or cared. But I can't get to everyone either. So it's completely impossible for me. Ultimately it's a very personal journey between us and Jesus Christ. He knows us and he cares and he is always there. People need to TRULY realize that no one is perfect. Some people are scared to deal with the unknowns in other's trials. Some people with a personality like mine want to help everyone but it's just impossible and can be our downfall too, when we realize we can't succeed trying to do everything you're supposed to. We need to keep a careful balance and realize that Jesus Christ is there for us. EACH of us. And no one should have to bear their burdens on their own, whatever they may be. Thank you for your heartfelt post.

9/8/2015 01:33:59 pm

Cheryl, I came down hard on others here on this site, and upon reflection, I need to clarify... I know we are all imperfect, myself especially. It's just really hard sometimes, with what appears to be "superfical" people. But I realize we are all going through trials. So I'm going to do this... I'm going to reach out to others. Because I need to be the example I've been talking about. :)

9/8/2015 02:37:12 pm

Jon, yes, we are all going through trials. Or we have. Or we will. I never thought my husband would leave the church and become athiest. But if there is a silver lining, it's that my testimony has grown and I've learned TRUE compassion. I don't know if I ever really had true compassion because my trials were fairly trivial. Sure I've had some serious ones in life but never anything testimony shaking and life changing. This trial has been that. And THAT is why I reach out more now. And it kills me that I can't help everyone the way I would sometimes love to be helped. And it tears me apart sometimes that no one reaches out to me (except a very few). But we have to get outside of ourselves in this life to be truly Christlike and above all...be forgiving of those who don't. So good for you for realizing we are all imperfect and give those seemingly "perfect" people a break, because like Misty, she seemed perfect on the outside but was having a severe breakdown inside. We just never know. And each of our trials gives us an opportunity to grow...SOMEHOW. I think as you reach out to others like I TRY to do, you will find more meaning in life and realize that you can help others with what you have been through. When we stand before the bar of God, there will be no one else to blame but ourselves for what we have done with our lives. I love this quote and it helps me through my hard times...."The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy." I would add not only legacy but salvation. Good luck to you Jon.

9/8/2015 06:34:03 pm

Good for you Jon! Be strong! Reach out! Others are just as lonely and sad as we are, someone must make the first step. I pray for yoy and for Cheryl and for my self as we all strugge with this to move forward and BE THE CHANGE WE WISH TO SEE! Love and hugs to you all!

9/8/2015 06:31:50 pm

Cheryl, thank you so much for your comment! I am in the same place as you. I am active and have VT respocibilities and other callings I am involved with, three young children and a husband who doesn't understand why I waste my time with church things. It helps us all to be strong and keep going knowing others struggle with the same problems as we do. I LOVE this post and your comment. Thank you for sharing!

9/8/2015 08:17:08 pm

It absolutely helps to know we're not alone. I'm grateful to know there are others who are trying their best and enduring and growing in these hard trials we've been given. I pray that every one of us can all have the peace and happiness we desire in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

9/8/2015 02:52:27 pm

Ok, everyone, I just HAVE to take a moment to say (and I know this may sound odd) but I feel such an incredible amount of love for each and every one of you. So many of you were in my prayers last night, as I pondered your individual situations. Your comments, from positive feedback for the article to the inspiration and encouragement you've given each other, fills my heart and brings me to tears just as much, if not more, than it did to write the article. As much as I have touched your lives, you each have touched mine, and I am forever grateful for your comments and messages. Thank you for being willing to reach out to me and each other as well!

Malea Hansen

9/9/2015 08:17:46 am

Beautifully written. I just read the following words from King David that this post reminded me of:
O Lord, I give my life to you.
I trust in your, my God!
Show me the right path, O Lord;
Point out the road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.
Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
For you are merciful, O Lord.

By learning to surrender our will to God we find the true peace that is to be found in the mortal existence. It is a hard lesson that we all spend every day learning how to do. It cannot be accomplished perfectly in this this life time. However, through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ and with Him by our side we can perfectly try every day. And by so doing, we will come to love unconditionally with a Christ like love every single one of our Father in Heaven's children that are also learning to do the same thing.

Thank you for sharing your experience. For daring to show a very vulnerable experience. I have been lifted up this morning by reading it.

Steve

9/9/2015 09:54:07 pm

Highly recommend Crucible of Doubt by Terryl Givens. Wonderful book that eloquently and insightfully addresses many of the concerns expressed in the above comments. And if you haven't already, please read Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson. I think you will find that this book speaks directly to some of the struggles you were/are going through.

Michelle A

9/9/2015 11:11:07 pm

Misty,
I'm a bit amazed as I finished reading your story. Your words could have easily told my own story.

I left an emotionally abusive marriage that was the poster child for unrighteous dominion. I was left with physical as well as mental and emotional symptoms. Fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression, and I knew that everything that went wrong was my fault. Or so I believed. On my path to recovery, I made some choices that led to my disfellowshipment. I knowingly and with purpose and intent made my choices. I was searching for healing and answers that I thought I couldn't get any other way. I almost walked away from the church. As much as I wanted to do as you did and just say "I'm done", something stopped me. I knew too much of the GOSPEL to be true. Not the church. The gospel.

You so beautifully describe the self defeat, the feelings of not measuring up, the fear of not being good enough. I still fight them every day. Those are my demons.

I have since had my membership restored, but struggle with addictive behaviors that stem from the desires I acted on.

I am grateful the church has seen the wisdom of the AA 12 step program and has incorporated that into our closet of tools to lean on.

Anyway, thank you for a very beautifully written piece that brings out feelings surrounding things not talked about enough in our culture. Far more of us stru than most of us can even begin to comprehend.

Stephen

9/10/2015 02:59:57 pm

Misty, of course the Church is true. It is as true as the gospel, which does not even exist among us without the Church. Imperfect people, and even imperfect structures, don't make the Church false, any more than imperfectly taught or understood doctrines make the gospel false.

A gun that is "true" is one that shoots where it's aimed. The gun does not have to be perfect to be true. What is a "perfect" gun, anyway? A gun absolutely without flaw or defect, even microscopic? Such a thing has never existed.

Do not succumb to the lies of the anti-Mormons and disaffected. You are not required to know all things, but you should cling tightly to what you do know. Your experiences have given you a hard-earned testimony of some aspects of the importance of Church and gospel living in your life. Choose very carefully who you listen to. You are a sheep. Christ does not condemn you for being a sheep; rather, he says to follow him, the Good Shepherd, and avoid those wolves who dress in sheep's clothing to deceive.

9/10/2015 03:20:52 pm

Stephen, I don't mean this to be disrespectful, but... What do you mean by "Of Course" the church is true".?
Sounds like the arguement I always hear, which basicly is "don't ever question or criticize the church or you're a heretic".
I'll venture to say "The Church" IS religion. Religion can always be manipulated, distorted, changed. But "The Gospel" is what is true.
I want to throw up when I hear "I know the church is true" every F and T Sunday. You don't have anything better to say? How about "I know Jesus lives" I never hear His name in F and T. Only as an after thought at the very end.

9/10/2015 04:08:57 pm

Jon, I mean just what I wrote: The Church is true, even though some find it fashionable to deny the Church's truthfulness and seek to draw an artificial distinction between the Church and the gospel.

The gospel is the good news of Christ's atonement for us, drawing us back to the Father. That good news is often poorly reported; I venture to say that not one of us has ever heard a perfectly worded recounting of the good news of the gospel. Our language does not lend itself to perfect wording of spiritual truth. But this does not matter; the gospel is true anyway.

The Church is God's kingdom on earth, the one and only vehicle for the fulness of the gospel. Without the Church, the gospel is not and cannot be preached among men and women. Only a pale shadow of it continues. Now, the Church is filled with imperfect people, from the oldest member to the senior apostle to all the leaders to the newest eight-year-old baptism. But none of that matters. The Church is true to its mission, and it truly carries and conveys the fulness of the gospel. Imperfections are not relevant.

The Church is true. You cannot come into God's presence and inherit what he has for you during your lifetime except through entering the earthly kingdom of God -- that's what it MEANS to come into God's presence. And in our time, the kingdom of God on the earth is known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I don't know if criticizing the Church makes you a heretic. It makes you unfaithful. If you are concerned about remaining faithful, then you should probably avoid criticizing the Church. I find it interesting that Hugh Nibley, an independent thinker with several rather profound disagreements with various Church policies and procedures, still managed never to criticize either the institution of the Church or its anointed leaders. He was completely loyal, and he kept his grievances to himself. Would that all Church members had that minimal level of spiritual maturity and commitment.

I think it is tragic that you are made ill by another Saint's honest confession of faith. The Church is indeed true, and if hearing that makes you sick, you should seek diligently to find and root out whatever it is that cankers your soul so badly that hearing that divine truth causes you pain.

As for never hearing Jesus' name in fast and testimony meeting: I have lived in various locations throughout my childhood and adult years, and that is what I most often hear. Perhaps your hearing is selective, or maybe you just happen to live in a place where people have not learned what it means to bear testimony. But don't assume that your personal experience is somehow representative of the Church as a whole.

9/10/2015 04:11:24 pm

Jon, I COMPLETLY agree with you. I am a devout LDS sister and I live this church. But I am sick of the memorized line that they want everyone to spout. That is not a testimony. I want to hear.more about our Lord and Saviour and Heavenly Father and most of All I want to hear how we treat each other and how people are going to start stepping up to the plate and care for others. Come on people. Stick to the Doctrine! Love the Lord and get over the Politics!

9/10/2015 04:18:32 pm

STEPHANIE, II think what Jon was trying to say is that some of us are still here because of the Doctrine and the Gospel, not the men who lead us or the Politics that guide the church. Those things while we hope are lead by God can still be miss lead by the imperfect hands of men. We are trying to focus on our willingness to admit.our faults and admit that non of us are perfect and come unto Christ and live the laws of the Gospel. Not the church. The Gospel. We are not AntiMormon. In fact I am a member in good standing and have my Temple Recommend. We are only saying that there is in a lot of Wards a lack of care for the people and a judgement if anyone is different to the point of pushing people out. Not everywhere. Not the church COMPLETLY but a lot of Wards. I have felt alinated a lot due to people simply not caring what I am dealing with. I have made steps to fix that and Jon is also taking steps to be a good saint. And none of us have the right to judge another.
We are all entitled and blessed with agency to have our feeling and opinions.

9/10/2015 04:34:43 pm

I would like to take this opportunity to express my appreciation for the genuine concern and encouragement everyone has shown each other in their comments on this site. It has touched my heart to read your comments and stories and be a witness to how each of you has reached out to lift the others up in some way. I also very much appreciate the continued respect you have shown each other in avoiding abrasiveness and contention in how you choose to express your opinions. Personal attacks and fight-picking is not only damaging, but also will not be tolerated. We are ALL imperfect brothers and sisters, simply trying to stay afloat as we continually battle that which "cankers our souls." And may we all continue to remember that, to treat each other in such a way that we honorably serve our Lord and Savior in building His kingdom, diligently and faithfully attempting to take upon ourselves the name and remember.

9/11/2015 12:16:42 am

Stephen, I appreciate your comments, thank you. I do disagree with you on several points, but that doesn't mean we can't be civil, and I'll attempt to remain such. When you say "The Church is true to its mission, and it truly carries and conveys the fulness of the gospel"... I guess I should look at it slightly different, I've never heard it said that the church is true 'in its mission', when I think about it in that regard, that makes sense. But.. I guess what I'm trying to say is: People out of habit say "The church is true" over and over.Why is it necessary to convince others of the truthfulness of something that you know in your heart to be true? Why even say such a thing? Especially when the EXACT thing was said by the person before you, word for word? Especially when it comes to children. When multiple people say the exact thing, word for word, in a "Testimony", I personally don't see that as a testimony, I see that as an example of signs of being "Cultish".
And I guess I'm not as upstanding as Hugh Nibley, because I'm not afraid of criticizing. If I was in the church in the 70's, I would have been criticizing the ban on non whites to the priesthood. Right is right and wrong is wrong, there is no black and white when it comes to that.

Regarding my ward not being representative of the church as a whole, all I can say is this, it's how my original ward was in 2008, it's how every ward I've been in since then has been, which is a total of 5. That says something...

""You cannot come into God's presence and inherit what he has for you during your lifetime except through entering the earthly kingdom of God"""... I take this to mean, that you mean, only those with the "full truth" (I.E. LDS) This statement is COMPLETETLY false!!! Are you one of those who insists that Christians who are not LDS are NOT going to the Celestial Kingdom? Boy, do I have news for you, you need to study the Bible more, because you couldn't be more wrong. That is the exact opposite attitude from what God wants of us. The superiority complex of Mormons is the problem. That is the WHOLE point of what I'm saying... You need to read Matthew 7:21 please.

susanna

9/11/2015 03:55:24 pm

Thank you Misty for your article and your insightful responses to many comments. I just want to say wow. I am humbled and grateful for your article, comments and for many of the comments written by others. I hope we can all be more patient with others and with ourselves and do the best that we can and leave the rest to the Savior. That is why we need grace.

Lisa

9/13/2015 10:46:25 am

Misty,

As I read your article, my heart broke all over again. You wrote my story. I lived your story 10 years ago, but I have never spoken of it outside my immediate family. I was raised in the church in a strong family, went to BYU, was sealed in the temple, and have 3 amazing children. Our family was active, holding leadership positions, attending every activity and staying to clean up. A "Molly Mormon" through and through -- on the outside. But inside, I was a jumbled mess and Satan was working his evils. I too made choices that almost destroyed my marriage and my family. I too ended up in ICU and inpatient/psychiatric care for 3 days. It was a long hard road back - back to church (the repentance process), back to living (I'm still on meds), and back to my marriage. Ten years later, it is still a struggle. The picture for the article of the girl lying on the cold floor - that's me, many times. Life is hard and sometimes life is hard every day. But we have a choice to fix it, change it, or stick up our chin at it and keep going anyway. I do still go to church, alone (my husband stopped going to church ten years ago and my kids are gone out of the house now), and I'm so not perfect. I do things I shouldn't and don't do all that I should, but I now go to church without the guilt that I'm not good enough. I know I'm not, but I go because I feel good there. It's familiar and comfortable and I love feeling the spirit. So what if people aren't perfect - isn't that the point of the gospel, of life? I go for sacrament only, and I sit alone, and I don't care. It grounds me for the week and I do it because I want to. I don't sit in judgment of others anymore, and I have compassion for the prideful in the rut I was in eleven years ago. I have given myself over to our Savior to do what he says he can do - to save imperfect me. I don't beat myself up any more or try to be perfect. I just live, putting one foot in front of the other and keep breathing every day. Hang in there.

Karen

11/18/2015 01:48:36 pm

Many commenting here have complained that church members have not been caring enough, or that they seem false, especially in testimony meeting. It saddens me to think that there are people who believe that a child's testimony is of no worth. I have been a teacher in junior Primary for the 37 years that I have been baptized .. the last 10 years with 3-4 year olds. Let me tell you, these kids are smart and when they speak, they speak from the heart, without the guile and politics that adults have. It may sound as though they are just repeating things they've heard, and they are to some degree. They've heard it from their parents and siblings, and others in their lives. They are emulating people they love and respect. Isn't that what we as Christians are trying to do .. emulate our older brother Jesus Christ? Do you suppose Heavenly Father dismisses our prayers because he heard the same prayer from someone else, who used similar words?

I believe the Church is true! When I say that, I mean that I believe that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith. That the Church of Jesus Christ was restored upon the earth again. That we have prophets and apostles called of God upon the earth today. Isn't that why we meet together in our wards, stakes and areas, because we believe in this basic truth?

For those people who feel they are unworthy to go to Church .. you most definitely are not! The person sitting next to you at Church is far more likely to be dwelling on their own short comings than yours. Is probably wondering why you haven't reached out to say hello, while you are thinking the same. We are all at different stages of our journey, let us all be kind and patient with each other and journey on together.

Grandpa Chet

11/18/2015 03:02:01 pm

Thank you for the reminders, Karen. I try to remember that the difference(s) between me and the worst sinner is not that much different in the sight of the Lord. It doesn't mean that I'm that much of a sinner -- it's that we each need to repent.

Michael

8/7/2017 02:28:44 am

Hi. Several months ago I read your article about leaving and returning to the church on LDS Living, and I just skimmed through it again as they have re-posted it. I just wanted to offer you some friendly support and advice. In the article you mention the pressure of trying to be perfect and I suppose that as an auxiliary leader that when you planned activities you wanted everything to go as perfect as you planned it. I also assume that you were very anxious about how your comments and contributions in the Gospel Doctrine class, Relief Society, and fast and testimony meetings would be perceived by others. I know how you feel. I went inactive from the church at age 14, returned for 9 months at 32, and returned to a new ward about 10 years later. I've been active for almost 2 years now, and I remember that when I first returned I was very happy but it was also very challenging. I would show up, sit in the back row in sacrament meeting, try to make it through Gospel Doctrine without saying a word, and as soon as the closing prayer was said in the Elders quorum, I would stand up and try to leave as quickly as possible while trying not to make it look too obvious that I was so anxious to get out of the building. I remember cringing at the beginning and end of each class, terrified that I might be asked to say and opening or closing prayer. I remember when I first started volunteering answers and making comments in Gospel Doctrine or the Elders quorum that I would usually speak too loudly, my voice would shake, and it would actually take me a few minutes to recover from the anxiety of speaking in front of a class full of church members. What's worse is that even though I had and still have a strong testimony of the gospel, I felt that when I first returned that I wasn't completely in harmony with the Spirit or on the same page as the other members. Some of them would scoff at me here and there because of this. Sometimes it really hurt, but the Spirit encouraged me to keep going,and He showed me that most of the members who scoffed at me didn't truly mean it and actually loved and cared about me.Things have gradually changed for me.The change actually seems like a blur, as I can't exactly pinpoint every moment of it. I just know that I am much more at ease in the church now, I'm not afraid to be called upon to offer a prayer, and I usually speak more reverently, calmly, and concisely when offering answers or comments. I think some of it must be the callings I've served in and the leadership meetings I've been able to go to, as well as the prayers of others and the workings of the Spirit. I was called as the secretary in the Young Men's presidency, the assistant ward clerk, and currently the ward clerk. These callings have allowed to me to go to priesthood leadership meetings, bishopric meetings, and ward council meetings. One very important thing I learned from these meetings is the importance of ministering over administration. For example, I was taught that if I was called upon to teach a class or give a lesson, not to worry about rigidly covering every point, but instead focus more on inviting the Spirit and getting everyone involved and letting them know that their insights are welcomed and appreciated. The same is true for activities. Not everything has to be perfect as long as the Spirit is there among you and everyone feels welcome and loved. I don't mean to discourage preparation, but rather to encourage focusing on inviting and listening to the promptings of the Spirit when preparing and serving. I'd like to share with you two links, one to a General Conference talk and the other to a personal experience recorded in the Ensign These talks and articles have resonated with me in a very powerful way, and I think you would really enjoy them. I hope the things that I've shared with you will help you, and I will keep you in my prayers. The first link is to the story from the Ensign, fount at https://www.lds.org/ensign/1975/10/three-marbles?lang=eng and the second is the General Conference talk found at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword?lang=eng

"Everyone wants to believe they were meant for something more."